Wowooooo! Howdy ho, adventurers! When you’re out there stalking prey and lurking around the forest, life can get a little lonely. Or maybe when it’s time for action, you find your party lacks a certain ferocity. Did you ever see a full moon and want to howl at it, but knew it would be weird doing it all by yourself? Well, the answer to all your problems is a brand new direwolf!

“But Bill,” you say, “I can’t afford a direwolf!” Believe you me, I know as well as anyone how expensive direwolves have become, what with that popular mummer’s farce going around the countryside. But do I have news for you. Here at Crazy Bill’s Discount Wolves, if you have almost any amount of coin we can get you with a brand new direwolf today! We’ve got big direwolves, small direwolves, tiny direwolves, extra tiny direwolves, thin direwolves, deformed direwolves and even some direwolves infected with some kind of powerful sleeping and decaying sickness (maybe they’re just pining for the forest?). All available at rock-bottom prices! Hurry, the big direwolves may already be gone!

Now, a direwolf isn’t just a hunting companion or a merciless killing machine, it’s a wonderful pet that will keep your families on its toes (for as long as they aren’t bitten off) for years to come. Direwolves are also perfect lifetime companions for your elderly relatives who have trouble getting around and always smell like meat. Do not, in any circumstance, allow your direwolf to get hungry. This is your only disclaimer in that regard.

But hey, maybe direwolves aren’t your style. You like things a little leaner and meaner. A little slicker and quicker. Well, you’re still in luck at Bill’s Discount Wolves. We have plenty of grade-A wolves in stock ready to be your companion for as long as they can stay in your presence. Bill only sells alpha wolves, so it’s understood that upon purchase you’ll be subservient to the wolf. But that’s a small price to pay for companionship that’ll last until you challenge it for supremacy and assuredly lose.
And if you’re looking for something a little, um, lighter, well, try out Bill’s new firewolves! All the power, beauty and majesty of a wolf, but now on fire! All sales final.

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Crazy Bills’s is legally obligated to tell you that in that past Crazy Bill’s has been found guilty of painting dogs, coyotes and ferrets with grey and black and then selling them as direwolves. We can assure you that this is not something the honest brokers at Crazy Bill’s do today, and the various and assorted accusers in those cases were all known liars. As a disclaimer, it’s important to never get your direwolf wet, just like with mogwai and witches. It’s a well-known fact that water can turn your direwolf from grey to brown, and from a direwolf into some kind of sickly dog. Crazy Bill’s is not responsible for this transformation due to the unlikely event of a wet direwolf.