Letter of Suggestion Response:
To: Disgruntled Pleb
Re: Excelsior Wand Terms of Use Reading Comprehension

Dear good sir,
We feel that any response to your traducing letter should begin with your admission that you are, to quote, “no arborist.” And yet, despite this obvious and direct admission, you then see fit to speculate over and comment regarding the quality of wood upon which the entirety of the Excelsior series’ reputation rests. This blind criticism after an admission of ignorance seemed to be the theme of your letter and, presumably, your life in general. While we should ignore your rambling diatribe, our lawyers assure us that a response is necessary. So be it.

We will begin at the end, with your brazen abuse of Mageco property (we will point out that all “purchases” are technically considered “debt-consolidation loans” for legal reasons). As you should know, Mageco magic-scientists have recently discovered that all things are made up of the same, tiny particles that we’ve branded as “tings,” after our founder. These tings are identical, but differences in their arrangement explain the differences in our perceived reality. Thus, things as different as the air that we breathe and a mountain are technically all made up of the same tings. Thus, when you flick your (technically loaned) wand against the air, it’s the same as if you were flicking it against the side of a mountain! No wonder it snapped! Even the six magical kinds of wood that “comprise” the Excelsior series wands can’t stand up to such brazen and wanton abuse. You should just consider yourself lucky your magic powder had run out, as it’s well-known and documented in your Terms of Use that breaking an active wand can cause a magical detonation. So you’re welcome for that.

We will move on to your libelous comments regarding the quality of wood we utilize in our Excelsior series wands, starting with your claims to have found a “wandcrafter” in your local area. Over the past ten years, Mageco has made extensive efforts to buy out or set on fire all non-Mageco wandcrafters in the land. We find it difficult to believe that any have escaped us, but we have dispatched a team of fire-breathing lawyers to your area regardless. For now, we will operate under the supposition that your wandcrafter was just a successful scam artist, and until such time as we can offer them a position in our marketing department, we can only stand on the sidelines and applaud their exchange of nonsense words for your hard cash. We’d also like to point out that while Excelsior Series wands are definitely made from six different types of exotic lumber, your Terms of Use clarifies that compressed flotsam from woody bog shrubs is perfectly acceptable as a wand material, being both lumber and exotic (to someone, anyway).

We will then progress to your ridiculous accusations against our packaging department, where once again, you attempt to deflect your own deficiencies onto our honorable organization. All Mageco sales contracts specifically suggest the importance of purchasing the non-stick coating on your (technically borrowed) wand. By foregoing this important option, you opened yourself up to this exact problem. The coating is specifically designed to prevent shipping-related tape issues. What else would the coating possibly be for? All other things that may cause your wand to become sticky are already prohibited by the Terms of Use, and would void any implied or expressed (it’s never expressed though) warranties.

Finally, we will address the ridiculous notion that the land’s leading magic publications cannot be impartial simply due to some cross-contamination in general ownership between the publications and Mageco. While we should not have to, we do, apparently, need to point out that Mageco Publications and Mageco Wandcrafting are ENTIRELY SEPARATE DIVISIONS within our company, with only minor sharing of oversight within our leadership structure. It’s this separation that allows us to ensure that the opinions provided are not tainted in any way. As a matter of fact, the Mageco Publications division recently received the Emerald Palace’s Excellence in Independent Journalism and Retailing Award, proving the independence of our reporting. If, good sir, you feel the need to point out Mageco’s majority stake in the Emerald Palace, please don’t, and instead, stuff it up your ass. Which, in retrospect, should have been our response in its entirety, but please accept it instead as a conclusion and summation statement.

All the Best,
Mageco